Pain of the past
by bashfulbabe
Summary: Rated M for pretty tense situations. Warnings: Mentions of rape and self harm. This is sesshomaru themed. There is a sesshomaru/midiriko pairing (and mentions of sesshomaru/rin) but neither are the centrel focus. Naruku captures sesshomaru and the others and proceeds to break their spirit by showing painful memories.


Authors Note: if you have chosen this story based on my writings of my other fanfiction, I will warn you… this is not Yaoi as I typically do. It will be a bit different. The rating is M though in the beginning it may not seem as much. This will also be a long story with sadly infrequent updates. I will try to not wait several months in between updates and yes I will also be working on the other unfinished stories. This is a Sesshomaru themed fanfiction but there will be a little bit of sesshomaru/midoriko along with slight mentions of sesshomaru/rin (though there will be no sex scene). I noticed that there are few to no stories for this primary couple and it may not be a popular pairing, but this story has been itching to be written. Some of it may be out of character and if so, I do apologize… but it's going to have to stay that way. I do not own. I will never own and now that all of the boring formalities are out of the way onward my ducklings.

When did I become this way. I change often. I've had to learn to be versatile to survive. But now is not the time to be lost in thought. I caught Naruku's scent and quickly followed it. Leaving my ward in the care of Jaken. Annoying as he may be, he will protect her. I am not sure if it's because he also wants to keep her safe, or because he fears me. Many fear me.

I can smell my brother. He too is on the trail of that blasted spider. I try to not dwell on that. I am getting closer. Everything whirls by me. Just as my life has. I shake the thoughts from my head again. If I become distracted I will make a careless mistake. I must always be perfect. I must always stay perfect. Lock back the emotions and allow myself to calculate and strategize effectively.

I arrive half a minute before my brother and his group, but I walk into the cave without so much as a glance at my brother. They say nothing and follow me inside. The fox kit isn't with them. They too felt this to be to dangerous an action for such a small child. Deep in the cave the spiders scent is even stronger. A small cavity with bars in the direction we are going. I try to see if they can be broken, but the moment I touch them I'm shocked. It's the same pain as when I touch Father's sword. I cannot go forward anymore. And when Inuyasha's group moves into the room a loud sound echoes. I try to hide my wincing. And I refuse to cover my ears. Inuyasha has his palms over his ears. The same bars are lowered at the exit. We are trapped. Inuyasha goes to pull on the bars. He's also shocked. I don't snicker. That would imply imperfection. And I have to be perfect. I don't let myself think about how I'm caged in. Don't dwell on it. Stay focused on a way out. Do not let yourself panic. Maintain composure.

The spider comes in. Laughs. States it's a trap as if we do not already know. I don't care. I just detest being caged up. Too much like my childhood. No. Mustn't think about that. Do not dwell on the past. If I do, I might slip up.

"Nice of you all to join me." Inuyasha shouts words. I don't care. The cage is large, but it is still a cage. "I have been thinking of the best way to destroy all of you, and then it hit me, why not break you." He's pacing on the other side of the bars. Out of my reach. "And then, I had to think of the best way to do that. Then I realized quite suddenly that, all of you have deep emotional scares. But how would be the best way to make each of you remember those scares. And again it hit me." He holds up a tree limb. I know what it is. Damn. "This is a branch from the tree of the forgotten. The tree can make anyone remember anything as if that person were reliving the moments. Isn't that right Sesshomaru. For some of you, it would be more harmful if other's saw you're most safeguarded pain. And then, I realized how cruel that would be. Why shouldn't everyone have fun and face their pasts with an audience." He chuckles to himself. The small girl with the mirror comes in. Naruku takes her mirror and brakes the branch on top of it. The shavings are absorbed and the mirror grows larger. "Now, who shall we start with. The demon slayer is already broken, and how tedious to show her something she already sees daily." He searches the room. "Yes, I am anxious to see the past of the cold demon lord." Of course. "Let's see what inner turmoil you have endured." The mirror is turned. I see my reflection. It's been years since I've seen myself. My energy is draining. I go to my knees. Not from lack of energy. No. I can handle that.

"Inuyasha." He looks to me, but I do not look to him. "I wish to apologize for the things you are made to see, I had hoped to keep this from you." He pulls back in shock. That will not be the last time he is shocked today.

I know what I'm looking at. My mother's estate. So he's really going that far back. Everyone is looking at the mirror. I'm not. I know what they will see. It's playing like a story. My thoughts are heard aloud. Nothing is kept a secret.

_Father is trying to leave again. And mother's mad. I wish they would not fight. _

"_Do you think I do not smell that human filth on you. Do you think I don't know." Mother is sad. Father isn't responding. "Why do you go to her. I am your mate." _

"_She is with my child. You know that our mating was just a means to combine our homes and conceive an heir. Nothing more." _

"_So you will abandon your mate and your first born." Father's trying to leave. "You know she will die. Her life will end before yours is even half over. You realize that. You can never possess her." Father's turning around. "Fine. Leave. When she dies of old age, I will still have my youth, and then you will return to me. I can wait." Mother's sad. I don't like seeing mother sad._

I remember that day. The mirror blanks then turns back on.

It seems that he is planning on showing everything.

_Mother has been training me much harder since father left. I will try to not disappoint her._

"_Again." I don't want to do it again. I don't like sparing, and he is so much bigger than me. "You still aren't strong enough."_

"_But mother, I will get stronger when my demonic powers come in."_

"_Yes, and I'm sure if someone is targeting you that they will wait a few years until you have the needed strength. Again." I try to dodge the sharp blade. As always, I'm not allowed to start with a weapon. If I wish to win, then I will need to take his sword from him first. Weaknesses: His movements are slow compared to mine. I will need to use that to my advantage. I dodge his swing and strike the bottom on his hand while wrenching the blade from his grasp. In one swift motion I strike him. His blood lands on my pristine blue clothes._

"_I have succeeded mother." She's cross. I did something wrong. The flat of her palm strikes me firmly across my cheek._

"_You have failed again."_

"_But mother, I am uninjured." _

"_That is of no consequence. You allowed him to bleed on you. That is not perfection." I messed up again._

"_I apologize mother." She isn't satisfied. "Truly. I will try harder, train longer." Do not be cross with me mother._

"_No. The time for trying is over. You will have to be punished. Follow me." I could run. No. I couldn't. I couldn't abandon Mia behind. So all I can do is follow. Maybe she will just strike me some more. No. I really messed up. Mother is not going to show me that kind of forgiveness. "You will stay in the room until I see fit." I bow to her and then go in. The door closes behind me. It's dark. No windows. I hate this room. Staying here. Never knowing if I am here for an hour or for weeks. There's no light. I can see, but there is no way for me to know if it's day or night. How long has it been. I can't stand it. _

"_Mother, please. I'm sorry. I'll get stronger. Please mother." I feel like I can't breathe. Who knows how long mother will keep me in here. And father is away with that human woman. I just have to stay calm and wait it out. Eventually she will let me out. _

_I pace the room. I punch the walls until my fists are bleeding. Anything to ignore the quite. I'll get stronger. I have to._

"_You may come out now." A guard opens the door. "The Lady of the West has said you have served your punishment. I nod to them. I can breathe again. I better go check on Mia before finding food. She will likely be worried._

I spent most of my childhood confined in that room. I still have nightmares of that cage. I do not look at the expression of the others in this room. This is just the beginning. If this Is continued then everyone will come to learn much worse.

"It seems your mother had high expectations even when you were such a young child." Just tune him out. Focus on maintaining composure. "I have always been curious of you Lord Sesshomaru. You see power, yet not the jewel. You claim to be evil, but you care for a human child, and more so. What has truly been a conundrum to me." He paused to think. "When I gave you the human arm with the jewel shard in it, the jewel stayed pure. It didn't become defiled. But, by the end of this. We will know all of your weaknesses, all of your secrets. Everything of any importance." He's right. Things I've kept covered will be brought to the light. My chest aches when I look back to the mirror. Mia. I'm sorry.

"_Big brother, your hands are bleeding really badly." She always looks concerned when she looks at me. _

"_I'm fine Me-chan."_

"_Do you promise." I can't lie to her. She's glaring at me. She'll know if I lie._

"_I'm just trying to get stronger. One day, I'll be strong enough where we can leave this cage. We can both be free then." I'll get strong enough to protect both of us. I climb into her bed and we lay against each other. I'll protect you Mia. _

"_Big brother?"_

"_What is it Me-chan."_

"_Will father ever come back." She's sad. And I can't stop her sadness._

"_I don't know."_

"_Mother is hurting."_

"_I know."_

"_Big brother?"_

"_What is it Me-chan" She looks at me. The look she gives when she's going to say something really painful._

"_We are losing mother, aren't we. Every day she slips away. The pain of having her mate betray her. We are going to lose her completely, aren't we."_

"_I don't know Me-chan."_

"_Big brother?"_

"_What is it Me-chan."_

"_I love you. I know you will keep me safe." She makes me feel warm. _

"Go to sleep Me-chan. I will be stay until then." She nods and falls asleep before she's done saying good night. I will protect her.

"After we are done here, I'll make sure to investigate more about your dear younger sister." It will do no good. You can do her no harm. Inuyasha's emotions keep changing. Fascination. Pain. I'm sorry brother. I've tried to keep all of this from you. But now you will have to know everything. Even the things you have forgotten.

After Mia falls asleep, I leave mother's estate. The guards don't know about the hole in the wall. It's a tight fit, but I can still squeeze through. Never mind the dirt on my otherwise pristine blue kimono. I'll have to clean it before I go home. Home. That word. The only thing there for me is Mia.

I have to do this. This small breath of freedom. I don't have many chances to leave the estate. Mother's estate has many gardens, but nothing beats the perfect imperfection of nature. The flowers aren't in neat rows, the trees not all the same, the water isn't perfectly circular. Imperfect. Refreshing.

If I fail to be perfect out here then no one will know. I don't have to restrain my thoughts. I'm free.

Meditating is simple around these natural noises. But I must remember. These moments are fleeting and wrongfully enjoyed. Should I be found out, mother will put out more guards- and I will be punished.

Mother. Every day she fades more. I worry. Perhaps if I told father of Mia he would stay with us. No. I've been forbidden. And even more so, father does not deserve to know Mia.

I raised Mia. My sister. I remember that she was conceived a few days before father fell in love with Inuyasha's mother, and he didn't come home for eight months. An inu pregnancy lasts about five.

I wish to dwell further on these thoughts, but the mirror is still showing that memory of me meditating. My thoughts are loud for everyone to hear.

My Mia. She's mine. Mother did not desire her. She said that only one heir was necessary, and that she had no desire to care for another unwanted child. So I asked if I could have her. She said only if I kept my sister a secret from everyone, but mostly father. So after mother gave birth, my sister was given to me. Mother didn't even look at her. Just gave her to me.

Mia gets sick easily and often, but I take care of her. She's mine. And one day when her health improves and I get stronger, we're going to run away. I'll keep her safe. I'm all she has, and she's all I have.

I don't want to go back. But right now, I can't run away. Mia is to weak to travel, but if I get stronger. That'll be one less obstacle. I should return. If I am gone for to long Mia will worry.

The mirror stops for a moment. I know it will continue soon.

"How far you've fallen lord sesshomaru. There you are on your knees." Yes, because to show all of my scars will take quite some time. I might as well get comfortable while I watch the disaster unfold.

"So you have a sister, Inuyasha, did you know that." No he didn't. He was never meant to. No one was. His group has long since stopped issuing threats. Maybe because they also wish to see the disaster that is my life. They will see. And so will my brother. Any happy fabrication one makes will one day crumble.

"Young Lord, you have been summoned into the throne room. It seems we have an honored guest." Mia is still asleep. She stirs for a moment then tosses over. Her hair is choppy and short. Mother does not like for sister's hair to get long. Not to long ago, in a fit mother tried to pull out all of Mia's hair. It's starting to grow back. I'll need to cut it shorter soon. Her moon matches mine, but it's fading.

"Sleep Me-chan, I will be back when I can."

I follow the guard though I have the estate memorized. The room is grander than normal. Many demons of nobility are present. I look to see who the guest of honor could be. Who's out of place. I smell her before I see her. She's a human. Of that I know. I can sense her strength. Before I can look closer for the human I go to my mother's side. She doesn't look at me. No. I am only here out of tradition and necessity. Nothing more.

"Young miko, your strength precedes you. When I heard of a strong woman forcing peace between the lands, I did not predict for that woman to be a young human girl. Please state your name."

"Midoriko." She bows but it's a quick motion done out of necessity and not respect. She smiles at me. She can't be any older than nine. "I am sure though that I am not here for the reason you stated though."

"Clever human. We seek the knowledge that your strength will benefit us. For such a small child, you possess great strength and skill. Your ability to purify demons is startling."

"I can assure you that I only purify demons that seek to harm me or other defenseless humans." Mother smiles.

"How did such a young child come to travel alone."

"My parents both died in a fire when I was an infant. My aunt and uncle took me in, but I left a few years ago due to personal issues."

"Well then my dear, you may stay as long as you like, as long as I am the Lady here, you will always have a room." The human nods. Mother has always been fond of strong people. More questions and answers. I tune them out. I would like to leave. Some hours later I am aloud to do so.

I think I will train for a bit before going to check on Mia. But the garden I plan to train in is occupied. The human girl. She's meditating. I can actually get a good look at her. Her hair is dark. Her skin isn't as pale as many demoness. It has a darker glow that is unusual, but not unpleasant.

"You may train, You will not disturb me."

"This is my home." Sort of. "if anything, you will disturb me." She smirks at me.

"Then perhaps we should spar. Whoever loses has to find another place to train, unless of course your to afraid to challenge a little human girl."

"I am only hesitant because you can purify me." She shakes her head.

"No, I can only purify evil demons. It may come as a surprise to you, but not all demons are bad. Some can be good. Even though others try to convince young demons otherwise." Yes. That's true, but to show any weakness at all is dangerous. "And since I'm sure that you're not evil, I wouldn't be able to purify you. I was thinking, hand to hand combat."

"Hn."

"Well, It's the only option since I can't use my spiritual powers on you, and your demonic powers haven't come in yet."

"How did you know that?"

"To win a battle, one must know ones enemy. Inu demons do not get their demonic abilities until mid-adolescence. You are still many years away from that."

"Hn." She goes into a fighting stance.

"So, hand to hand? Or are you not dog enough." She's taunting me. Smirking. Eyes narrowed. I've heard mention of how strong she is. I do believe this is going to be fun.

She lunges at me. I'm unfamiliar with this stance. She's using the palms of her hands. I have my claws, but I do not desire to seriously injure her. Weaknesses: She's leaving several openings for attack. A bold move. Her speed is less than mine. Strength lower than mine.

I aim for her open left side, but when I'm less than an inch away she flips into the air. Her hands land on my shoulders for a brief instant before her feet connect to the middle of my back. She lands gracefully and I am thrown across the length of the garden.

"That's a point for me. Thanks for playing, but I've won." Stupid girl. "Oh stop the glaring. Don't be such a sore loser." I force my face to go blank. Show no emotion. "I'm sorry." She's stepping closer to me. "You got a cut on your face now."

"I'm fine. It didn't hurt." She smiles.

"That's good to know. Maybe we can spar again. I had fun." She bows slowly to me. Many people bow to me, but this time is different. Like an insult. "You're going to be a very strong demon one day. But now I have to get back to meditating." Treating me like a child that she's done playing with. She's absorbed in concentration. I'm curious. I lunge for her. But before I can make contact she dodges and then pins me down. "I didn't realize you were up for a rematch so soon."

"Getting tossed around by a human girl. My, you have come along way."

"Why don't you just say what you're really after and drop this game."

"That desperate for me to turn it off. But I told you, I want to break you." It's to late for that. I broke a long time ago.

"Inuyasha, what does that say about you. If your brother can be beaten by a human girl, but you still struggle against him." I've gotten stronger. But that's of no consequence.

"Stop following me." Since she started staying here two weeks ago she constantly follows me. Never giving me a moment to do my studies or train on my own. I have to sneak away to Mia.

"I can't do that, not until you let me tend to your injuries." Along with the cut on my left cheek, I have several more injuries to account for. Some are still slightly bleeding. But none of them hurt.

"Stop following me."

"I told you, I can't do that."

"And I told you to stop following me." I swing by the kitchen and grab a piece of fruit. Mia is probably hungry by now.

"Would you just let me check to make sure that you're going to be okay?"

"They are just scrapes." She continues to follow me. I didn't win one single match.

"I was surprised how stubborn you are, most would stop after losing so many times in a row."

"I'm not use to hand to hand combat. I prefer the use of weapons." She nods frantically.

"I know right. I use all sorts of weapons, what kind do you use." We are outside of Mia's room.

"You can't come in." her hands are on her hips.

"And why not? I haven't been around someone my age for a long time."

"No."

"Please." Her smile is gone. She's unhappy. Just ignore it. Damn. Her eyes are watering. "I just.. I just.. I just wanted to play." I growl to myself. I detest seeing tears.

"Fine, but you can't tell anyone." She promises and then follows me in. Mia is curled under the covers, but she stirs when she senses me.

"Big brother."

"Here Mia. Try to eat this." She's interested in this new face.

"Big brother." She looks uneasy.

"I promise Me-chan. She isn't anyone to be afraid of." Mia smiles.

"I know big brother, you wouldn't let anyone harm me, but you are harmed. You have more injuries than yesterday and the day before."

"I promise Me-chan, I'm fine." For good measure I smile. Her frown doesn't go away. "Fine Me-chan, but don't push yourself." Now she smiles. She staggers out of bed. I resist the urge to move closer to make it easier for her. Her face is an inch from mine when she slowly licks the scrape. Then she grabs my arm and licks my injuries there. Midoriko looks confused.

"I thought you knew your enemy. It's instinctual for inu demon. This is how we tend injuries." She nods slowly.

"I thought as much, but your mother didn't lick your cuts when she saw them." Yeah. I know.

"It's not important. Mia, this will be your new playmate." She smiles at me. "Midoriko, you may play with my sister, though be mindful, she does not have much physical strength so do not do anything that could cause her injury. And do not let anyone know about her." She nods. Maybe I'm being to confidant in this human. No. She would never harm someone incapable of violence. "If either of you need me, I will be in the library, I've been neglecting my studies." I leave the room. I can still hear them. I'm going to stay outside the room thought, just in case I've misjudged her. They are chattering. Glad that they are getting along.

While I listen, I also study. Mother wishes for me to know many languages. She says it's important for diplomatic reasons.

"What exactly does he study?"

"Languages. Big brother is really smart. He knows lots of different dialects and languages."

"Really, how many does he know?" Mia doesn't answer."

"Hey, big brother, how many are you up to." I can't help the small smile. Even though if mother saw me smile I would be punished. She knows me. So well.

"I'm learning my sixth language."

"Yeah, so far big brother knows five. It's really funny, when he gets really irritated he starts blending the different languages and no one can understand him." They both laugh. Like they've known each other for a long time. I'm glad that Mia has someone else. Even if I am a little jealous.

"I'm anxious to see more. I wonder how you went from having a human friend when you were a child to hating humans to caring for a human child. Maybe you just can't make up your mind." He's clever to stay just out of my reach. I can't use my poison claws. I look at the mirror. When will this hell be over. No. The hell hasn't started. Inuyasha is glancing at me. There is so much I tried to keep from him.

"Sesshomaru, why have I never met our sister. Do you really think that poorly of me. That I would hurt her." His anger is starting to boil.

"Sit down and watch."

Mia and Midoriko have been getting along well. Since I don't have to worry about Mia… as much that is. I've been able to focus on my studies. Occasionally when mother is away scouting the lands or visiting with neighboring lords and ladies, I'll take Mia to one of the gardens. I try to keep Mia and mother separate due to mother's violent tendencies. She's away now. And Mia is happy to be out of that room. She can not stand for long lengths of time and mostly sits playing with the flowers. I'm under the tree studying. Midoriko is playing with Mia. This is the closest I've been to free.

"Come play with us." Midoriko is pestering me.

"I'm studying." She doesn't look deterred.

"It isn't to late is it." She looks near tears.

"To late for what." I refuse to show concern.

"Surgery."

"For what?" Her lips stops quivering.

"To get that stick out of your ass. Come play. You're a kid, so start acting like one." She takes my book from me. "Ya gotta live doll face."

"Big brother, Mido-chan is right." And now she's got my sister on her side.

"Play with us." Stifle the growl. They mean well. Mia is standing though shaky. I grab my book back. "Mia, plan a has failed, plan b has failed. Time for our secret weapon. Go girl go." This isn't going to go well.

"Big brother." Her eyes are teary. "I don't get to have fun to often, and I know you're really busy, but…" She's sniffling. Damn it. They are playing dirty. "I just want to play with my big brother."

"Fine." I try to bite back some of the anger, and it's not as difficult as I would have thought.

"Yay." They are cheering. Mia grabs my hand. "Big brother, I want to dance."

"Mia, you know I really don't like to dance." Her eyes get teary again.

"But.. big brother. We use to dance all the time."

"Mia, is he a good dancer or does he step on toes."

"Big brother is very graceful. It's important to know how to dance in high society. Please big brother. One dance. I do so love dancing."

"One dance. That's it." She smiles. It never takes much to make her happy. Her hand lays on top of mine. I have the steps memorized. Left leg forward turn spin then step back. I follow the silent music.

"Wow, you're really good." I didn't have a choice. Mother made sure that I learned the steps perfectly. If I stepped out of place I was punished. Anything less than perfect is unacceptable. Step turn dip. Mia's laughing. As long as she's happy. When she looks to be getting tired I ease her to the ground. She's gasping. It's difficult for her to exhert herself.

"Big brother, can I play with your hair." I try not to roll my eyes.

"Do as you like Me-chan." I don't really mind. It feels nice. They go back to chatting while she braids my hair. But Mia's hands stop.

"Mia, are you okay." Midoriko is looking concerned.

"Me-chan?" Shit. "Mia." I lay her flat on the ground.

"Big brother. It hurts." Not good. "Hurts." She's gasping. Midoriko is frozen.

"Do not freak out." I'm not sure if midoriko realizes that I'm talking to her. Breath in. Stay calm. I've done this a hundred times. Concentrate. My fangs are sharp. I look at my exposed wrist and bite down until I taste blood. "Mia, you have to drink." She tiredly nods. My wrist is placed against her lips and she sucks for a moment. Her body calms. She's quite as she pulls away.

"I'm okay big brother, just need some sleep. Can I sleep out here for a bit." I nod. She smiles and falls asleep. She pushed herself to hard today.

"Spill." I can't refuse.

"Her body is very weak. And when she drinks my blood it gives her some strength." She takes my hand. It's of no consequence. I think nothing of it. And then I feel her warm tongue trace over the still bleeding bite.

I can't help my shock when I fall back and hold my wrist. My body feels warm. My face feels warm.

"Don't do that."

"Why not, you said that's what inu's do when they are injured." I can't breath.

"It's what family would do for one another, it means something different if your not related." She looks confused.

"What does it mean." I hate that I'm flushed.

"If you don't know then I'm defiantly not telling you." I grab up Mia. I'll put her to bed now. I can't look at Midoriko without getting embarrassed.

Inuyasha's face is red. Even though he's only half demon, he still knows what that action means. No one else seems to though. It doesn't matter. I remember that day. So innocent and also intimate. That memory is engrained in my mind. She is just as I remember her being. She's was never like other humans. But then, she was never like demons either. There never has been and never will be a setoff standards that she fit into. I found it refreshing. My life- an order of rules and regulations – paired next to hers. A life of caous. Refreshing. Infuriating.

At Mia adored her. I became use to her. I relied on her bouts of indignation. I found her humorous-though I bit back laughter. But demons are not meant to be paired with humans. Humans are such weak creatures.

"Sesshomaru?"

"What is it midoriko?"

"How long have I been living here?"

"One month and eleven days."

"And how long have we been friends."

"We are not friends." She rolls her eyes.

"Fine mr. compassion. How long have you been 'tolerating' me."

"one month and nine days."

"Well, I was thinking."

"Yes?"

"I get tired of saying your full name. And I don't want you to use my name anymore." She's smiling.

"Okay, and if not my name what do you intend to call me?" That smile. I've learned to be weary of that smile.

"Sesshy."

"No."

"Fine then. Fluffy."

"Fluffy?"

"Well, you always have that furry thing on you."

"It's my moko moko." Her eyes go serious.

"Yes, I completely know what that means."

"It's my pelt. Part of me. When I transform it becomes my tail."

"You're an inu demon." Oh no. She jumps on top of me.

"I want to see your puppy form."

"Absolutely not." That frown. Every time she gives me that frown I always end up doing whatever she wants.

"But. But." Those teary eyes." It's been a while since I've transformed. It takes a great deal of concentration, and I prefer being in this humanoid form.

"Fine, but only because I it's been to long." I breath in deeply and then exhale. Concentrate. It's a great deal easier at night under the moon, It being day only means I have to focus harder. Transforming is always an odd sensation. Hair growing faster. Everything becomes primal. desires disintegrate into needs.

"So… so… cute." I don't really mind her squeezing me. I know how small I am in this form. I'm still just a child. When father transforms he gets larger. I get much smaller. He looks like a giant. And in this form, I am reminded that I am still just a young pup. "Oh yes, I am defiantly going to call you fluffy. And you should make up a nickname to call me." I faze back into my humanoid form and grab my clothes to hurry and put them on. She doesn't freak out that I'm naked. She's unfazed.

"What shall I call you."

"How bout mido- chan, like your sister calls me." She's smiling. I debate on smiling when a guard rushes up. He is Mia's guard. Him being here is not good.

"Young lord. Your younger sister has been taken."

"You are worthless. That is your only job, and you can't manage that." He bows.

"I apologize." I can tract mia scent. Finding her is not an issue.

"Very well. I will be leaving to retrieve her momentarily. If mother discovers that I've left, I will kill you." I don't look to see his reaction. There isn't time for that. Mido is following me.

I rarely go into my room. I stay in Mia's to sleep, it's more relaxed feeling. But, in my chambers, I hide my weapons. I strap a dagger to my ankle and a sword at my hip. Using a stray ribbon I tie back my hair. It gets in the way.

"Are you crazy, if this person can get past the guard, then how do you expect to beat them."

"I can't be beat when I have a sword. Anyone that tries to harm my sister will not be allowed to live. Are you staying or coming with me."

"I will follow you forever." I know she doesn't understand what those words mean to an inu. That would be considered a mating proposal. No. She doesn't understand our ways. And now is not the time to dwell. "Will you be okay without demonic powers." She has no idea. Taking my sister is a big mistake.

"Come, the fastest way will be to take Hishori." She nods as if she understand. "She's my pet." I say the words and then Hishori appears. She stays in my room. Mother would be cross if she found out. It was difficult to hide the scent of the cat demon. Laughter.

"I know now isn't the time to laugh, but… a dog demon, who has a cat demon for a pet. That is fantastic. But, she's so tiny." I nod and Hishori jumps to my shoulder.

"She can transform. Hishori, Mia has been taken, I know that you don't like me going into battle, but I have to save her." She meows. Hishori has two tails and green markings. When we go back out side, our chosen weapons concealed she transforms. She's a fire cat. I took her in when she was injured. She protects me like a mother.

Riding on Hishori's back we are able to follow Mia's scent to her captors hide out. I have been concentrating on maintaining my composure.

"We are here." It took two hours to catch up to them at their hideout. Mido looks at me. "There are five demons. They are strong, but they are not as strong as we are." It's a den, and I feel slightly hesitant. Mido will not understand our way. But she is more understanding than any human. There are no guards. No reason for them to be. "Mido, you will stay by my side no matter what." I voice shows no room for disagreement. If she leaves my side then both of us could be in danger.

There are demons everywhere. All of them are engrossed in deviant behavior.

"What's going on."

"It's an orgy. Stay close." I follow Mia's scent. She smells afraid. I'm coming Mia. Mido also smells afraid. "Don't be scared."

"I'm not."

"I'm telling you this because I can smell your fear. It will be taken as an invitation." She nods and breaths deeply. The smell dissipates. She's behind this door. It opens easily.

"Lord sesshomaru. So nice to meet you again." Yes, I remember him. It makes my blood boil. Remain clam. I knew it was him. I could tell by the scent. I walk up to Mia. She's chained to the wall. Mia looks ready to cry.

"Big brother." She manages to smile weakly at me. "I'm scared."

"Mia, tell me, did any of them touch you." She looks confused. It's a simple matter to break the chains. "Mido, will you hold on to Mia for me." Remain calm. Mido nods. "Mia, did any of them hurt you in any way." She shakes her head. Good. I feel like I can breathe now. "Good. Mia I want you to do something for me."

"Anything big brother." Her voice is still shaky.

"Close your eyes." She does so. I lean close and whisper in her ear. "And don't listen." I place her hands over her ears. She's seen me fight before. She cried. Had nightmares. She nods.

"I see that you got my invitation."

"You're lucky that you didn't touch her. I was prepared to do much more harm." I draw my sword.

"You know better than anyone, that I much prefer boys to girls." Yes, he does. I know that to well. "Knowing that it's me, I'm surprised that you let anyone come with you. Aren't you afraid that I'll let something slip."

"The human is here so that I keep my composure. That is her only use at the moment."

"You aren't as angry as I wanted you to be. Maybe I should have tasted her innocence." I let my body follow it's instincts. Lunge forward. Weaknesses. He's overly confidant. The other four are smirking. I know them as well. To well. I'm much stronger now. Hard to believe that was a year ago. No. Do not dwell. Now is not the time for fear. Now is the time for action.

I can feel the anger as my eyes glow red. I kill his henchmen first. The blood isn't enough. They didn't suffer enough. I wish to enjoy their pain, but Mia is present so I must cut my enjoyment short. He's the only one left. I never knew his name. Yet I knew him intimately.

"You are beautiful when your angry. I much prefer your fiery hatred to your cold indifference. Even when you first walked in, you knew I could have raped your precious most loved sister, but you showed none of it."

"If you would have touched my sister then I would have cut your fucking dick off you sick fuck." I can't see straight. I have to keep my composure. He's laughing.

"I seem to recall you doing other things with my dick." I feel nauseas. No. focus. He was so much bigger. He undoubtedly believes that I'm still a weak child. No. I'm stronger. I kill him easily. Mido doesn't ask. And Mia has fallen asleep. Mido lays her on Hishori. I can't touch her. I have blood on my hands. I'm dirty.

No one stops us when we go to leave. To engrossed in sex. We have to go back much slower with mia, so mido agrees to camp out by the lake. She doesn't question me when I spend an hour scrubbing the blood from my hands. I feel filthy. No amount of scrubbing can relieve that. She's started a fire. Mia will sleep for a long while now that she feels safe.

"Is it a no asking subject."

"I would prefer that yes." She nods.

"And Mia has always been a no asking subject."

"Yes, she is."

"I understand." Those words. I hate those words. The anger I've recently quieted ignites again. I can't control it.

"You do not understand anything. Mother let them. I wasn't strong enough. I didn't do something right so she let them rape me. You have no idea what that's like. You could never understand. Your just a stupid little human invading the world of demons." I feel better, but I also feel worse. She's not angry.

"I knew I would like you from the beginning." She smiles. Bitterly. She grabs the sleeves of her maroon kimono. "Tell me sesshomaru, how long have you been cutting yourself." Her eyes are scary. Demented. "I saw the scars. You must have cut pretty deep to leave scars. Demons heal so fast you know."

"I don't know what you're talking about. I only did that when Mia needed my blood." She laughs. Demented. Scary.

"I understand because we speak the same language." She lifts her sleeves. All up the inside of her wrist deep gashes. Ugly scars. She's smiling with wide eyes. "I cut myself every time my uncle raped me." I can't help but touch such familiar scars.

"You will not tell Mia, will you. She worries."

"I swear." She sits next to me. Leaning against me.

"What about you." I'm not sure what I'm asking.

"My scars will never heal, but sometimes I have moments where I forget that they exist. And that's all that I can hope for." She smiles at me. "Those moments seem to happen more and more since we've become friends." We aren't friends. But I don't press the issue. Mido and Mia lay against Hishori's larger form. She uses her tail to cover them. I sit under the tree. Right now I'm the alpha, and I must protect them.

No one makes any comment at this new information. I don't care. I rarely think about it. It happened centuries ago. Naruku stretches his flesh. I don't resist when my sleeves are lifted. I've long sense stopped cutting myself.

"I was hoping to find scars."

"There are no more cuts to find. I quit a long time ago." I look to Inuyasha. His expression is one of shock. It'll only get worse brother. Soon you will be shown. I have secrets that I've kept from you. They will be brought to the light. Not much more. "I was a small child at that time, I'm much stronger now."

"I believe we will pick this back up in the morning." Naruku is yawning. "You will find that there is no escape, so make yourselves comfortable. And don't fret sesshomaru, we will finish this in the morning." It's maybe an hour before anyone says anything. The demon slayers cat demon wonders over to me and nuzzles me. She's Hishori's daughter. Mido named her Kirara. She's mews happily when I scratch her head. She remembers me. It's strangely calming.

"I didn't know that you had been through all that. I thought you had it easy." I don't look. He did know. At one point.

Do not pity me. Do not give me that look.

"Now is not the time for talking. We need to devise a way out of this." Preferably before morning. I do not want anyone to know the rest of my past.

"I wish I could use my wind tunnel, but all of the poison insects are around, I'd die before I could do any good."

"and I ran out of arrows some time ago." I stop listening. Kirara is laying comfortably on me.

"It's been so long." She looks up at me when I start talking to her. "I'm sure you miss her as well." The cat meows. "And I do not wish for that foul spider to display her dead so callously." She nuzzles into me. I'm sure she still misses her companion. I remove my top and place it on top of Kiara. Everyone looks on in confusion. She bites into my arms hard enough to draw blood. She laps it up swiftly before it has time to heal.

"It's been awhile since I was in a humanoid form." She pulls the fabric more snugly on her. Her features are still slightly feline. Her eyes still narrow and ears sharp and alert.

"So do you have any ideas of how to escape since you're the only other with a shred of intelligence." She smile and rolls her eyes.

"Sesshy, I know you are just in an uncomfortable position. You may fool everyone else, but I have known you the entirety of my life." Her face is pale as any other deomoness's would be. Her eyes a dull black.

"Then do you have a plan." She looks to her new companions.

"We all have our strengths, but we do appear to be trapped. None of us are small enough to fit through. If only little shippo were here, he would easily fit through." Her nose creases in thought. "I do not have any plans to speak of I'm afraid to say." I nod understanding.

"Kirara." The demon slayer looks slightly shocked.

"Do not fret, I cannot stay in this form on my own. It's just easier to convey my thoughts in this form. With time, if I do not ingest more of sesshy's blood, then I will fade back into my beast form." She turns back to me.

"You must have been truly distraught to turn me." Her hand goes to my forehead. "You don't seem to be sick. Perhaps all this has made you somewhat nostalgic?"

"Maybe that's what it is."

The night fades with idle chatter. Soon the spider will come back to show the rest of my hidden past. How will their views of me change. I do not want looks of pity. I have become strong. Because when faced with the challenges I've lived through there are only two choices. Fight and strive for strength. Or let yourself fade under depression. There are some days when I don't know what choice my will be.


End file.
